Jimmy Buffett sang a song with those wise lyrics. “Breathe in, Breathe out, Mov on”. How simple yet so incredibly difficult this is for most of us. I work in a field where I am treated very poorly on a regular basis (not by my coworkers) but the customers. I am working hard very day with my meditation practice, and wise speech. I am studying a lot about Buddhism and philosophy. I’m so fascinated by the history and material and educating myself on the studies. But I wonder… is the desire for happiness in a job selfish? Those words they test me, How many times can one person be treated so poorly by the customers before they break down? We all need money but don’t we deserve happy jobs too?
Make goals. Maintain values. When we are young, our parents try to instill work ethic and values. Save your money, stay in school, etc.. What if we already are successful but we don’t appreciate it? That’s basically greed and ego. What is success other than a state of mind? Success can be internal or external. Stick to small increments of goal making. Mediate for 2 full minutes this week and shoot for 3 minutes next week. Don’t overdo it. That’s where hesitancy and procrastion arise. Your feelings are a compilation of your attachment to the karma you’ve attached to of your past. You make a goal of exercise you don’t want to bc you say oh I’m so lazy I hate exercise etc. those feelings are attached to the karma you’ve accumulated. So just do it. Put your feelings aside. Yes just stop thinking and attaching to those thoughts and complaints. Just go exercise! Even if it’s a 20 min walk every day. You’ll start to enjoy that time and gain confidence to do more. Be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time.
Our ego mind. It wants constant gratification, the nice clothes, the fancy organic gluten free free range recycled eco friendly Prius- celery juice- plant based- keto eating bullshit or whatever the newest fad is. Can you tell I live in California? But it’s everywhere. Social media is loaded. I’m not sure about you, but when I sit down to meditate and take a look at my ego I am reminded of a three year old toddler running around with endless amounts of energy craving attention, craving sugar, craving toys. This ego driven mind that says we are only happy when we get this new item or the outside love and attention. But that’s not how it works. First you must find your inner peace. Then no longer will you need those things. Create your life and your story the way your inner self desires. Follow your bliss. There lays true happiness.
Sometimes I want to voice my opinion. But there lingers that old expression that says “opinions are like assholes…”. You know the rest. I’m angry because my ego constantly says I should always be recognized and acknowledged. I even tried to rewrite my ego words into a self blame rather than outward blame for attention. I let the emotions stay this time and try to just focus on rewriting my ego to mask the need for attention. My thoughts, my feelings, my need for external validation all lays within our selfish ego. Much of our pain and suffering in life is created within the story we create for ourselves. I want my words to sow love and goodness. No more going through the endless cycle of drama and anger. No more ego. Be supportive. Be kind. Be love.
Because at the end of the day it’s just you and your discipline… Customer service. Has anyone worked in this field before besides me? It’s not an easy one. Most people don’t reach out to customer service reps because things are great. But there also should be some form of respect or human kindness. Not in my job. The clients that come to the company I work for are less than educated. Now before you get defensive and think I’m being judgmental or anything, please believe me. I’m not. The clients we serve are not well educated, many are in a lot of debt, don’t have a valid social security number and are trying to gain a temporary financial boost to get a loan. Putting all that aside, we are still humans. We still all put our shoes on one at a time. But I get name called, spoken down to daily. A new client the other day was asking me questions about how the service we provide works. I was not understanding his lack of English so he said I’m a piece of shit and he was going to rip me a new asshole. Yes. This is something I go through every. Single. Day. If it’s not that person it’s another saying my company is a joke, or another one asking me the same question five times in a row because they refuse to read the instructions attached to the email. That negativity, that bad karma is flowing freely around my company. I love my hours, my position is full time all from home, I love my paycheck, I love supporting my family. But how much abuse can we take? That’s the question I have been pondering lately. Can I continue and just let this be what it is, accept the challenge of my patience and my wise speech, or do I step up, step out and stand up for myself and say. I DESERVE BETTER! Because at the end of the day it’s just you and your discipline..
I think I’m afraid to be happy. My boys live a couple thousand miles away from me and I miss the shit out of them every day. Being a bi-coastal parent isn’t easy. I’ll go into that story another day but for today I think just 6 hours into my decision to begin my vow of selective silence, I realized, I am afraid to be happy and enjoy my life because it means I won’t see my boys again. My fear is that I’ll be happy where I live, and not see them again. None of which is true. So why make myself unhappy? Why not allow the happiness of the state of eternal Sunshine? Why not just relax and know this is where belong? This is my life? Just. Be. Fucking. Happy.
Are we all just living on one giant hamster wheel? We wake up the same time every day, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed. Every. Single. Day. You’d think after a few decades of this cycle we’d have our shit down and it would be easy. But… it’s not. Why? Because we get in our own way. Our egos do not like to be ignored. We get into an amazing groove and things are good, until the ego realizes “hey I haven’t stirred shit up in a while I am feeling neglected”. So we listen and that’s when the cycles of shit storms and drama happen. But I’ve learned something recently that took me a long time to figure out. My emotions are my own. My anger is my own. My inner perfectionist that wants to be acknowledged and hear words of gratitude and praise is my ego driving the bus. But, I never knew that before. It sounds so lame that no one ever showed me to keep my inner emotional drama to myself. It’s a bit empowering once we learn these things about ￼ourselves. To take ownership for our own shit. To keep silent and not speak of idle chatter.
As this year comes to a close we all naturally tend to reflect. This coming year is a big one. 2020, the start of a new decade. Ten years ago I was in a much different place, different space. You see I have the tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist. I am eager to contribute and be recognized. It’s the times when I feel like the “world is too busy for me” that I get mad. I want the attention. I am afraid of rejection and afraid of abandonment. I have been deeply hurt in my past in these areas, which now creates a default need to be in control. Because, if I am in control then everything is going my way right? Wrong. There are more people and emotions involved that what is going on in the present moment. It’s easy to talk to the talk, to say okay no more complaining, only words of love and happiness but what about walking the walk? That’s when shit gets hard. When you’ve worked from home all day answering to clients that are rude, and taking care of an infant, and running a household, oh and did I mention that I wake up at 4:15am to exercise? Insane? Completely but it’s the only time I have to myself. But when life happens. That is when real test comes….
Why do we make choices that make life which is difficult enough even more difficult? I ask myself this every time I upset a loved one. I feel like I upset those I care about too much. We all do. Why? Because we lose our filters around those we love the most. Because we are too comfortable. Because we forget our manners. But it still doesn’t answer the question as to why we do it? I guess that’s where my journey begins to work my ass off to be really fucking mindful of my Big. Fat. Mouth.
Sufferings and solutions happens in the same mind. Aversions manifest as guilt, fear and anxiety. Our natural response is to blame. We blame others for our unhappiness, we blame others for traffic, we blame others for the coffeemaker not working. Yet, the real suffering, the root of the hurt, the anger, the anxiety the sadness is within ourselves. The very same nature that creates suffering, also creates solutions. Living beings don’t cause us suffering. We cause our own suffering. Nothing good comes from blame. The primary cause of suffering is from seeds of poison that we have previously created. This is our Karma. I don’t want to keep creating suffering in myself or my loved ones. Let my words going forward be only ones that are kind to myself and compassionate to those receiving my words. Let the seeds of my Karma blossom love not poison.